When everything is lonely I can be my own best friend.

Currently fighting my complete lack of motivation. I have no ambition or an urge to pursue anything. Distracted by petty high school drama and lack of aim. What am I doing. DO BETTER.

And none of these involved sneaking out of your house at two in the morning.

 Main Street for lunch with Hannah on Sunday, September 16th.

Yesterday consisted of handmade stickers, apple cider and donuts, giant pumpkins, ice cream, long phone calls and late night musings.

Today consisted of eel and avocado sushi, getting lost in a parking lot and salted caramel mocha.

I don't like the place I'm in, head space within the hardwood and the ceiling.

This is the essence of blogging.

Nowadays, people blog to become famous - to gain internet stardom and the riches that come with it. I like this blog because it's solely for myself and my thoughts, uncorrupted by my selfish pursuits for fame and fortune.

Remember how we used to party up all night, sneaking out and looking for a taste of real life.

I have so many thoughts on everything that I am too overwhelmed to put anything into words.

• The stereotypical idea that comes to mind of a fun teenage existence consists of late night adventures and crazy parties with friends, like the lyrics suggested by Lana Del Rey in her song "This Is What Makes Us Girls". I became consumed with this idea that it made me lose myself and forget that hanging out with your friends is supposed to be genuinely fun and not just portray the idea of fun.
• That being said, I lost myself in a specific group of friends because they did things that the general teenage population viewed as fun. I think I subconsciously wanted people to look and think, look at all the fun they're having. Unconsciously, I think everyone wants to be envied. Looking back, it wasn't worth the heartache of not being invited to events.I should not have been so caught up with such a superficial thing.
• I've slowly realized that I need to stop doing things because of the idea behind them but for the sake of doing them. In fact, if I actually accepted this idea, I would have more fun than I would have doing it for the idea. Am I in love with the idea of adventure more than adventure itself?

For some reason, it took me so many tears and so much pain for me to finally come to the conclusion that I need to "stop pursuing and start being" as stated by Karen Reyes. Because it's not what people think of you or how society perceives you but how you feel yourself. I need to just be in the moment and stop thinking about what it appears to look like to others. I tried too hard to have society's version of fun when it should have been based on myself. It is, however, easier said than done. My personality lends itself to dreaming and falling in love with ideas. I am in love with the idea of adventure, of fun. Of the late nights and the reckless fun. Of French macarons, bookshelves and even photographs.

You didn't write, you didn't call, it didn't cross your mind at all.

Why do I find myself evaluating the people I am friends with at least once a week. To be honest I'm actually really sick of it all. High school superficiality.

Cut it off, let it go. I'll be out of here in another year anyways. Isolating myself until I'm in a better place.

I dream of:

• road trip adventures and visiting every thrift store along the way
• gala parties that require floor length gowns and false eyelashes
• french macarons and gold leaf desserts
• backstage passes to concerts
• fancy restaurants and eight course meals
• shelves of rare and old books
• hole in the wall hangouts with tea and food
• invitations to exclusive events and shows
• meeting exciting people, living in the city and having the time of my life

Lack of wit, lack of aim.

I am mediocre at best.

Here is the truth about September:

It sneaks up on you and all of a sudden it's autumn
and you don't know what to do with your recently orphaned August daydreams
so you tuck them between the pages of brand new notebooks
and leave them in the corners of your sweatshirt pockets to gather lint
and you set them on fire until all the trees are smoldering red and orange and yellow.

Anna Peters perfectly captured that wistful feeling of the end of summer and the transition back to school.

We should stay stuck in the moment.

Today consisted of productivity, the regular stop for grilled cheese and tomato sandwiches, an accidental encounter with saddles and authentic riding boots, finger dancing out car windows, an underground tea house and live street music.