Remember how we used to party up all night, sneaking out and looking for a taste of real life.

I have so many thoughts on everything that I am too overwhelmed to put anything into words.

• The stereotypical idea that comes to mind of a fun teenage existence consists of late night adventures and crazy parties with friends, like the lyrics suggested by Lana Del Rey in her song "This Is What Makes Us Girls". I became consumed with this idea that it made me lose myself and forget that hanging out with your friends is supposed to be genuinely fun and not just portray the idea of fun.
• That being said, I lost myself in a specific group of friends because they did things that the general teenage population viewed as fun. I think I subconsciously wanted people to look and think, look at all the fun they're having. Unconsciously, I think everyone wants to be envied. Looking back, it wasn't worth the heartache of not being invited to events.I should not have been so caught up with such a superficial thing.
• I've slowly realized that I need to stop doing things because of the idea behind them but for the sake of doing them. In fact, if I actually accepted this idea, I would have more fun than I would have doing it for the idea. Am I in love with the idea of adventure more than adventure itself?

For some reason, it took me so many tears and so much pain for me to finally come to the conclusion that I need to "stop pursuing and start being" as stated by Karen Reyes. Because it's not what people think of you or how society perceives you but how you feel yourself. I need to just be in the moment and stop thinking about what it appears to look like to others. I tried too hard to have society's version of fun when it should have been based on myself. It is, however, easier said than done. My personality lends itself to dreaming and falling in love with ideas. I am in love with the idea of adventure, of fun. Of the late nights and the reckless fun. Of French macarons, bookshelves and even photographs.