We’ve spent an infinite amount of years not being born yet and we will spend another infinite amount of years being dead. Finish your cereal and go outside.

What we post online is like a snapshot of what our lives were like at that time. I can go back through my old posts and remember the days I wrote about and photographed. It takes me back to my time in high school. Of getting rides from friends and going out to eat and trying to find little adventures in our little suburban town.

Things are so different now. I moved from a small town to a big, bustling city. I think it's easy to become jaded living in New York. The rise and grind really wears you out. Everybody around you is giving their 110% and you can only give 110% for so long until you feel burnt out.

I recently read about how Carly from the College Prepster moved out of the city and into Connecticut. It really resonated with me because when when I was in high school, I couldn't wait to live in the city. It's so romanticized in books, TV shows and movies. I thought I would live there until I started a family. I even thought about starting a family in New York. Now, I'm definitely more flexible about where I will end up.

Junior year is about to begin, which means the start of recruiting. I'm definitely very interested in the beauty industry, especially marketing and brand management/product development. I'm just worried about getting that junior year summer internship because it's so crucial for a full time offer. So many of my friends are going into Finance, which pays literally double what I will be making. By 30, they'll easily be making over 250,000 dollars. HOW WILL I KEEP UP. Thinking about this always gives me anxiety but taking it a day at a time.

Self improvement is an investment that will do nothing but benefit you over time. I want to spend less time on my phone, on social media, on the internet. I want to exercise more and sleep more and have better time management. I've been in a weird funk lately. Just tired and a little burnt out for no reason. I don't know how to explain it.

So this was just a huge jumble of thoughts that I have going on in my head that was thrown into one post. Hopefully someday in five years I'll look back at this post and laugh.

The best revenge is to live well.

Health:
1. Sleep at least 6 hours a night, aim for 7.5 hours.
2. Exercise at least 3 times a week.
3. Continue to drink more water.
4. Go to ballet and yoga at least once a week.
5. Be able to do a split and pull-up by the end of the year.

Academics:
1. Participate at least once each class.
2. Do homework at least a day ahead of the deadline.
3. Review previous material before the next class for 5 minutes.

Work:
1. Spend at least 5 hours a week working on Jezie.
2. Stay focused and produce high quality work in a short period of time.
3. Set goals and go above and beyond what is asked.

Well-Being:
1. Limit social media to 15 minutes a day.
2. Spend 15 minutes every night before bed journaling and reflecting.
3. Spend at least an hour a week creating art.
4. Think more positively.
5. Volunteer at least once a month.

Fill your lungs up with life and repeat after me: I am alive, I am alive, I am alive.

Recently I've been nostalgic for high school. Life was simpler then. I had less responsibilities, less obligations, more security. I can't imagine college being the best time of your life because it seems to me like a weird in-between where you're balancing school and classes and clubs with the real world.

I'm getting closer and closer to being a twenty-something instead of a teen. The thought of that is strange and terrifying. I'm nostalgic for the days when I would end school at 2:30 and hop in the car with my friends for what seemed like an adventure.

I feel like I've lost motivation. I feel overworked and stressed out. I turn to social media and Netflix and online shopping on Sephora as a way to ignore my responsibilities and escape. Procrastination is honestly my greatest weakness. Speaking of which....as I was writing this, I just realized I forgot to submit the marketing blurb for the club I'm in. Major heart attack. I need to start getting on top of things again instead of binge-watching a hundred different shows online. I didn't even make resolutions in the beginning of 2015!!! So I guess I will make them now in a new post.

"People empty me. I have to get away to refill."

Today consisted of a coffee chat at a cafe hidden in the back of a bike shop, an opportunity to learn from the jack of all trades - Steven Alan, a bowl of made by hand pumpkin ravioli with sage butter and a package of prettily packaged makeup.

I am better than I was, I will be better than I am.

I started this little blog over two years ago the summer before my senior year. I have almost a sort of fondness for my old posts, seeing the life and times of high school me. I'm glad that I will have a happy nostalgia for my high school years and time spent growing up in the best town ever, South Brunswick. College has been completely out of my comfort zone but I truly feel that my overall college experience is preparing me to do well in the real world.

Studying abroad in Shanghai is definitely very difficult. The culture shock, language barriers, new environment, new people. It's hard right now but I am glad I'm doing it.

The bittersweet between my teeth, trying to find the inbetween.

Going through my old starred songs on Spotify brings back waves of memories of specific moments. When I think of my first starred songs, I imagine running during cross country season on a path immersed with sunlight and sitting at a booth in Panera doing practice SAT tests. Others remind me of playing cards by candlelight with my family during Hurricane Sandy. Some remind me of sitting in my bed in the dark moping over a boy. There are some that remind me of car rides to anywhere.

Lately I've been having a hard time with existing, but not in a suicidal way. I just feel empty.

I was as hollow and empty as the spaces between stars.

January 2nd to the 7th consisted of independent dorm living, Trader Joe's Mac and Cheese and Tomato Soup while watching Modern Family, trips to get Amorino Gelato and frozen yogurt in five degree weather, 30 minute walks in three degree weather, a picture of Snooki, ten hour work days at the Javits Center and endless racks of clothing.

2013 in review.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

No one to blame but myself.

I need to get my life together. I have to start being on top of things in terms of academics, sleep for at least 7.5 hours a night, exercise and stretch at least three times a week, get a new wardrobe, make money, expand Jezie, go to fancy clubs and parties, dance at concerts, explore New York City and eat good food.

I keep saying all of these things but nothing is changing. When will I learn.

Work until your idols become your rivals.

Everything I want to be:

• In shape, have abs, be able to do a split and pull-up, have pale clear skin.
• eat healthier, exercise at least three times a week, aim for 7.5 hours of sleep every night
• Have as close to a 4.0 gpa as possible, be involved in clubs and have an internship.
• be ahead in classes, participate every day, build connections
• Make $200 a month to spend on vacations, nice restaurants, clothing, concerts and adventures.
• babysitting and bar tending
• Expand Jezie, make $400 a month and be in a boutique by the end of 2013
• Allocate five hours a week to work
• Have 1,000 Lookbook followers and 100 blog followers by the end of 2013
• Post on Lookbook at least twice a week

State of Transition.

It unfortunately appears that nothing makes me happy these days.

The city of dreams, the city that never sleeps.

The past few days have consisted of exploring (and getting lost) in the city, crossing another thing off the bucket list by attending a secret show at Terminal 5, spinach salad with tomatoes, mushrooms and olive oil, repetitive conversations with faces and names I struggle to remember, watching thirty seconds of the US Open and live performances of both singing and dancing.

Today consisted of screaming at the top of everyone's lungs (West Village Stern Field Day Champions!!!), meeting Alec Baldwin on the street while he was walking his two adorable puppies, going to my first frat party consisting of puddles of beer on the floor, sweat and smoke in the air and sloppy drunks everywhere, playing drunk Jenga (while sober) at a dorm party and helping an incoherent drunk girl while eating halal food in the middle of the night.

Watching the present become the past.

In around eight hours, I will be moving into the college I've dreamed of attending since sophomore year. In eight hours, South Brunswick will be known as my hometown and the people I've grown up with will be known as my childhood friends. It's all surreal to realize that I'm growing up and that everyone around me is growing up and we are all going our separate ways. That today is the last day I'm sleeping in my bed in a room that is officially mine. It's so hard to process the passing of time and the realization that things are changing and what has passed is passed. I've had great memories here in this town that I used to hate. Looking back at everything that has happened since now. Even if I am no longer friends with the people of my past, they have played such a large role in my life. And it's time to stop being nostalgic over everything and stuck in the past and accept the future.

I could have loved you.

"You never leave existence. Nothing can ever take existence away from you. Once you are born you have existed and you can't undo that. Your energy can never be destroyed, nor your matter. Physics proves that: the law of conservation.

We all started in the same place when the universe was created. We all have parts of star matter in us. We have matter from cave men, dinosaurs, everything. It's not some crazy spiritual hippie idea. I've thought about it a lot, that's why I'm not afraid of death.

No one has ever gotten this out of me. No one has cared to listen or ask. But you got it out of me, I'm very passionate about it and you got it out.

Like I didn't know you last year and I was living my life and now I'm worried what life without you is going to be like."

One more time, sitting in a silent stare.

It's two am and I can't stop thinking about how everyone is leaving for college soon. It won't hit me fully until my friends actually start moving into their dorms. I don't even know what I will feel when that happens.

"It's just strange to see a place that I've become so accustomed to just become my past. I'm watching it become my past and I can't really do anything but accept that it's my past and those memories and those people and this time."

Revisiting my old tumblr always makes me extremely nostalgic. Seeing everything that I've gone through and experienced in high school. How much life changes and how I'm getting older and how different things are now. And how different they will be in two weeks.

Life is just the continuous action of leaving.

Today consisted of two door alarms in the middle of the night, chocolate chip pancakes in the morning with my favorite person, opening my first banking account, handmade sushi by my uncle, pictures on the roof overlooking the lake, being young again in a bounce house, eating an excessive amount of chocolate covered strawberries and watching the sun set on the bleachers of my old high school.

Summertime Sadness.

Today consisted of the toughest cardio kickboxing class, a reunion with my favorite person, my last driving lesson, typical Tuesday sushi and ice cream dates, and lake visits/stargazing with friends who will all be going their separate ways in two weeks. Starting to realize that I will miss my high school friends. This state of transition is hard to process.

25 days and counting.

It didn't hit me that high school was really over and that I was going to go into college until I read a letter by an old friend.

It's crazy to think about all the people that I've met my entire life who have impacted me in any way. Some people I've grown up with, some people have helped me through tough times and hopefully, some I'll have relationships with for forever.

To the ones that I will miss, good-bye, thank you, I wish you the best. The people from Kindergarten to 12th grade are the people we have grown up with, from the simple things like learning how to read and write to studying for the SATs and making sense of calculus and various sciences.  It didn't hit me until now that everyone is going to different colleges in different locations and all going on separate paths. I might never see these people again. Even if we've drifted, had our differences or are no longer friends, I hope you all live happy lives.

An attempt to organize my own thoughts.

For a while now, I've felt stuck. Unmotivated and discontent. Always admiring the lives of other people but not doing anything productive with my own.

1. Everything looks perfect from far away. As said by Steve Furtick, "The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes to everyone else's highlight reel." From the outside, people live perfect lives but the reality is that no one does. Not even the fashion blogger who gets to travel around the world with a closet bigger than my room or the genetically blessed celebrity/model with a family who is famous for being famous.

2. Are you having a bad day or are you making it a bad day? You can tell a lot about a person by the way he or she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage and tangled Christmas tree lights. Life is unfair and hard work doesn't guarantee success but sometimes successful people aren't the happiest. It's all weird and confusing. I need to learn how to value relationships, people and experiences over material possessions and superficial ideas.

3. Plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. Can't rely on other people because there's only so much they can do. At the end of the day it's up to you.

4. The beauty of things is that they must end. Everything in life comes to an end. Currently transitioning from high school to college. Coming to terms with the end of my childhood. In the future, I'll face many more, ultimately ending with death. And that's what gives life meaning.

"The gods envy us. They envy us because we're mortal, because any moment may be our last. Everything is more beautiful because we're doomed. You will never be lovelier than you are now. We will never be here again."  - The Illiad, Homer

Are you happy? No.

1. It is unbelievably easy to feel alone. The worst kind of peer pressure isn't being the only sober one at a party. It's much more gradual and it wears you down.

2. Doing things that make you happy does not mean that you are happy.  Just going through the motions.

3. Everyone around me is living and I'm just floating along. Avoiding everything. Can't deal with current or future responsibilities. I just want to stay in bed all day by myself and watch tv shows and read books.

4. I have nothing to be unhappy about and yet I am.