25 days and counting.

It didn't hit me that high school was really over and that I was going to go into college until I read a letter by an old friend.

It's crazy to think about all the people that I've met my entire life who have impacted me in any way. Some people I've grown up with, some people have helped me through tough times and hopefully, some I'll have relationships with for forever.

To the ones that I will miss, good-bye, thank you, I wish you the best. The people from Kindergarten to 12th grade are the people we have grown up with, from the simple things like learning how to read and write to studying for the SATs and making sense of calculus and various sciences.  It didn't hit me until now that everyone is going to different colleges in different locations and all going on separate paths. I might never see these people again. Even if we've drifted, had our differences or are no longer friends, I hope you all live happy lives.

An attempt to organize my own thoughts.

For a while now, I've felt stuck. Unmotivated and discontent. Always admiring the lives of other people but not doing anything productive with my own.

1. Everything looks perfect from far away. As said by Steve Furtick, "The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes to everyone else's highlight reel." From the outside, people live perfect lives but the reality is that no one does. Not even the fashion blogger who gets to travel around the world with a closet bigger than my room or the genetically blessed celebrity/model with a family who is famous for being famous.

2. Are you having a bad day or are you making it a bad day? You can tell a lot about a person by the way he or she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage and tangled Christmas tree lights. Life is unfair and hard work doesn't guarantee success but sometimes successful people aren't the happiest. It's all weird and confusing. I need to learn how to value relationships, people and experiences over material possessions and superficial ideas.

3. Plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. Can't rely on other people because there's only so much they can do. At the end of the day it's up to you.

4. The beauty of things is that they must end. Everything in life comes to an end. Currently transitioning from high school to college. Coming to terms with the end of my childhood. In the future, I'll face many more, ultimately ending with death. And that's what gives life meaning.

"The gods envy us. They envy us because we're mortal, because any moment may be our last. Everything is more beautiful because we're doomed. You will never be lovelier than you are now. We will never be here again."  - The Illiad, Homer

Are you happy? No.

1. It is unbelievably easy to feel alone. The worst kind of peer pressure isn't being the only sober one at a party. It's much more gradual and it wears you down.

2. Doing things that make you happy does not mean that you are happy.  Just going through the motions.

3. Everyone around me is living and I'm just floating along. Avoiding everything. Can't deal with current or future responsibilities. I just want to stay in bed all day by myself and watch tv shows and read books.

4. I have nothing to be unhappy about and yet I am.

You don't recognize change until you look back.

Things are different now.

My fourteen year old self would be disappointed.

Over two months have passed since my last post. Going to make an effort to document more.

1. I graduated from high school. It still hasn't hit me yet so maybe it never will. Feels weird that I am now in a state of in between. I don't want to think about college responsibilities yet. Constantly avoiding everything and it'll be my downfall.

2. Somewhere along the way of my senior year I lost motivation. Instead of hanging out with friends, working on Jezie Jewelry, reading, learning, doing diy projects and living my life, I've spent the past few months idly in bed. All the time. I don't know what happened. So lazy and so unmotivated and freshmen year me would be disgusted. So many lost opportunities and lost time. I don't know what to do with myself or how to get back on track.

3. I made the mistake that I was determined I would never make and became too attached to a person. I shouldn't have to depend on anyone else for happiness. I can be happy on my own. I also have to just grow up.

4. I don't know why it's been seventeen years and I still haven't accepted that things never go according to plan. I have to stop letting it ruin my day, give me anxiety, cause stress or continuously bother me.

5. I keep saying things to the point where I believe them. I'm not as bad as I think. I can make friends in college and I'm not that annoying or hard to get along with.

6. I've become consumed and obsessed with the celebrity lifestyle and it will truly ruin my life. So materialistic and pessimistic and overall I'm becoming a bitter and horrible person.

7. I don't know what I want. Why aren't I happy.

Struggles of an introvert.

Yesterday was Weekend on the Square, aka NYU Accepted Students Day. Along with the excitement comes the obligation to socialize with others and force conversation. Naturally, I am a shy and sometimes reticent person. For some reason, talking to others is exhausting and I'd much rather spend my time in silence. Ironically, I am majoring in Business, a career that relies on networking and making connections with people. It is unsurprising that extroverts and people with charisma strive in this field but I am left wondering, where does that leave me.

Doing something for the sake of doing something.

 On March 24th my friend Victoria and I had a DIY day and I made a flower crown and she made pennant banners. My uncle and cousin also brought home a red velvet cupcake from House of Cupcakes, which was a pleasant surprise.

On March 26th my friends Hannah, Janine and I cooked our own lunch. We made Portobella mushroom pizzas, had fresh squeezed juice, drank tea and ate yogurt and a cannoli that was dropped off by one of my favorite people.

Confusion before the calm.

1. I haven't followed any of my New Year's Resolutions. In fact, I'm even less motivated than I was before. I haven't worked on anything in ages and instead I spend countless hours in bed listening to music, FaceTiming and going on Tumblr. Somehow need to find a way to regain motivation and start working hard again.

2. At the same time, Ivy Day was yesterday and so many people were rejected from their top schools. A ton of people who actually deserve to go to those schools were waitlisted or rejected. It makes me question everything because yeah, sometimes hard work doesn't pay off and it just doesn't make sense to me. Bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people and life doesn't make sense and karma doesn't work.

3. I am still way too attached to social media and my iPhone. What is the point in constantly refreshing my Twitter feed or Instagram every fifteen minutes? Do I need to be so informed about the lives of other people? I could be doing better things with my life. This needs to not take over my life.

4. I am also still way too attached to people. The same problems I've been having six months ago are still happening. I get stuck in a cycle of passiveness which just ends in my repeatedly getting upset. My friends are good people and good friends but sometimes crappy friends to me. Conflicted. So conflicted. I've been thinking about it for the past hour and I still can't figure it out.

5. I'm plateauing when it comes to Jezie because I haven't been putting in the effort or work. Need to come up with the next big thing or else it's just going to go downhill. Nothing comes easy. Complete lack of motivation.

6. My complete lack of motivation is actually one of my biggest struggles right now. I don't end up doing 90% of the things I say I am going to do. I'm happier when I'm productive but right now I'm too lazy to do anything besides stay in bed.

We are the reckless, we are the wild youth.

I wrote this post on March 9th and never got around to posting it until now.

I can feel childhood ending. Today I watched my sister's middle school play, All Shook Up. Nostalgic to my middle school days in Chamber Orchestra with my best friend and all of our ridiculous antics. Using fruits as code names, yellow notebooks, pacts and the cliche innocence. When I started viola in 6th grade, my orchestra teacher was unmarried. Since then, she's married the band teacher and now they have a child. Insane.

I graduate from high school in four months. In six months I will be living in the city of my dreams away from my family. Feeling such a flood of emotions that range from excitement for the future to sadness because of the end of these thirteen years of schooling. After this, I'm never going to have these experiences again. The only word to describe it is bittersweet and the only thing I can do is observe the passing of time and feel alive.

We lie beneath the stars at night.

Today I lay on Karen's car and we watched the stars while listening to Young Blood by The Naked and Famous. 

Constellations of stars and the fluttering lights of planes.

In the most cliche of terms, we are insignificant yet I felt so infinite.